I was looking at my blog stats, and I was sad to see them gradually declining. People are popping by less, and even readers who used to comment frequently have drifted away on a cyber cloud.
I was wondering why this was, and then I realized: I’m blogging a lot less.
In fact, I’m writing less in general.
Really, I haven’t written anything worth salt since November.
I mean, I’ve blogged, yeah. Here and there. I blogged a fair amount in January. A bit less, but still a good chunk in February. And then it became a steady decline. I haven’t written anything on my PhD, I haven’t written any short stories to send out to the world. I’ve written a few essays for class, a chunk of business proposal.
I’m realizing that my creative mojo has gone into hibernation, thanks to the mess of red tape and very non-creative work on my plate at the moment. And that shit needs to stop. Because I need to start writing again. It’s a part of who I am, and when I get all bogged down in non-creative stuff, I turn into an old fusspot who wears slippers ninety percent of her day and uses big words when small ones would suffice.
Which leads to another realization I came to today:
A friend of mine put on FB: ‘why are you always surprised when things go well? you need to do something about your self esteem!’
And it made me wonder–why am I always surprised?
I pondered that. Over dishes, and folding laundry. Cleaning the bathroom, and working on my cash flow projection sheet. Debating on the nature of the press release and the scheduling of the program. While figuring out what non-wheat, non-meat, non-dairy thing to make for dinner.
I don’t feel confident because I don’t have the time to feel confident. I’m doing so many things, concentrating on so many different aspects of my life, that each one only gets a smidgen of my time and attention. So when that smidgen turns out to be enough, well, yeah, I’m surprised. And when that smidgen doesn’t turn out to be enough…well, yeah, I’m not terribly surprised.
But how do you decide what to give up, when you can see a worthy end result coming from all the stuff you do? If I gave anything up, would I actually fill the time wisely and focus on something, or would I just while it away and still end up with only smidgens of time available?
How would YOU decide?
Song: Let Me Be Your Fantasy by Ruff Loader
Book: The Waves by Virginia Woolf