As in, when I decide to do something, I go all in. I put every bit of focus and energy into it. Heart and soul.
Now, if that’s a work project, or a hobby, it isn’t an issue. Because it’s finite, right? There’s an end to it, so I can go full steam until I have time to breathe again.
But these days, I’m running out of breathing moments. In fact, my tank is empty and I’m still twenty thousand leagues under the sea, with all manner of things with big teeth swimming around me.
And when I get stressed, and/or worried, my natural inclination is to go inside myself. To live in the office space that is my head, bouncing from internal conference room to conference room to deal with each project in play. In those rooms I deal with the ‘staff’ involved, then move to the next room and do it again. My world becomes internalized.
That means I stop talking. Any verbal conversation I have involves the project in question and nothing else. But mostly, even those conversations are in my head.
And that’s when the cracks start to show.
The pressure builds. The office gets over run because no one goes in or out. Small things in one room vent into other rooms and become big things. My imaginary staff start fighting with one another and feeding me a diet of insecurity and frustration. Deadlines loom and pass and the office gets more chaotic, with whirlwinds of paper and storms of calendars.
One unrelated question blows apart the office. The whole organization is sucked into a vacuum of instability and tears. And then I start to talk again. The walls crack, the foundation fails. I’m crying in every conversation and making the poor people who must deal with me (often on those projects) terribly uncomfortable as they try to figure out where to look and what to say as I melt down.
I will be okay. I can do this. I will. I always do. When I finally hit my knees, it’s only a matter of time before I get up again and rebuild my mental office. I can do this.
Today’s Question: if you were to float above your life, and see it from a distance, what would it look like? What would you think of it?