So, I was reading this blog–lesbian dad.
It’s a very cool blog about a lesbian parents journey through parenthood, and all the very cool things she does to talk about LGBT families and such. (And it’s totally a serious blog–it costs money and everything!).
And it got me to thinking about what it meant to be a child of a lesbian parent.
I think that my generation (30-40 years old, currently) are the first adults of lesbian parents who were “out”. Who didn’t grow up wondering why Auntie Kate had to share a room with mom, when there was an extra room available in the house…
But it also brings up another issue that I am still struggling with. That of my own lesbian dad…
It’s an issue I’ve seen quite often in lesbian relationships: one partner has a child/children. The other partner helps raise that child. But the relationship goes south, the couple splits, and the other partner disappears from the child’s life. Because, after all, it wasnt actually her child in the first place, right?
This isn’t any different from straight couples where a child has come into play before the current relationship.
But when you’ve got a bio dad who decided not to stick around, and then the lesbian dad you grew up with, who taught you to throw a baseball and the right way to do dishes, leaves too?
Well, now you’re a child with two dads who didn’t want you.
Ouch, right?
To this day, I think of my lesbian dad as my other parent. We had our fair share of issues, of disagreements and such. She is still someone I look up to and respect. I email her periodically, and think of her often.
But when the relationship ended, she moved out. Both my parents got new partners, and I stopped seeing her. She moved on with her life, and her previous daughter wasnt a part of it. Evidently, although I considered her my parent, she did not see things the same way. What a strange dichotomy–that a child holds on to someone in a parental role, although that person is in absentia?
She will always be my other parent, my own lesbian dad. Even if I havent spoken to her in over three years. I am a lesbian as well, and although we will not be having children, I can’t imagine my partner walking away from any child that was involved in the relationship. It would break her heart.
So, if you’re a lesbian, and you’re reading this, remember something: the relationship may go south, but that child knows you, depends on you, loves you, needs you. When you walk away from the partner, you don’t necessarily have to walk away from the child as well.
Song: one by faith hill
Book: yup, still Barnaby Rudge.
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It seems I can only respond to so many comments–Until I get that sorted out, please continue to respond, but know I may have to reply in your own message. (as above.)
On the dashboard, under Settings, there is a page for Discussion settings. On that page next to “other comment settings” there is a line where you can choose how many levels each thread can be. I wonder if that will allow you to respond to more comments.
it worked! thank you so much for that. Do you have a blog on here, Laurie?
Yes, I started one… and have a total of one whole post… lol. One of my goals this year is to start blogging again. I just need to set aside time to actually post something. I think of all these things I want to write about, but then they just end up staying in my head. I self-edit way too much
Looks like you changed the order of comments too — I was kind of confused, since the newest ones are usually at the bottom… LOL It will take some getting used to reading from bottom to top.
Don’t you miss the sunshine? Um, folks moved to zambia when I was 3 mnths old (I was conceived in namibia, born in england) + then uk/s africa on/off for lots of my childhood. Ja it is home now, I love it enormously.
I do miss the sunshine sometimes, but we go back to the states quite often, so it works out well. Sounds like you’ve had a similar experience.
My mum was baptised in that church (st mary’s/crooked spire). No – I’m english, have lived there on/off, but am now based permanently in south africa. Never been to california sadly.
Very cool. It’s a beautiful church. What took you to South Africa? Do you like it?
Cool stuff – lived in chesterfield for a good while + know nottingham well, I like it lots.
Chesterfield is a great city (town? village?). Love the spire!
Are you UK based now?
My partner and I lived in California for ten years before coming to England, but I love it here and wouldnt go back.
Btw, you’re in nott’m england?
Yes indeed–my partner is British and we moved here about three years ago. I love it!
Sent from my iPhone
Ja, checking in (where possible) is a good thing – I do and even that has been heartbreaking, it happens less, because it is wanted less, but all ove can say is hey I love you and I’m here if you ever want me
And a child that knows that no matter what, there is someone out there who loves them, and cares about how they are, (even if the child seems ambivalent), is a huge thing. I give you huge kudos for keeping in touch. It can be hard, I know, but so worth it in the long run.
I know there is someone out there that loves you and thinks about you often. Hopefully they were able to teach you more than throwing a baseball and the right way to do dishes. You seem like a very bright and introspective person. I’m sure you must have impacted your other parent in ways that you are certainly unaware of.
REPLY:
Thank you. I can only hope she thinks of me as often as I think of her–and yes, she taught me a million things, but mostly–how to keep going, no matter the odds.
Thanks for commenting.
Thanks for sharing the link to the Lesbian Dad blog. I look forward to reading it. As you know, my story is a little bit different, since my relationship was long distance. But Jan’s daughter was still a part of my life for 3 years and I had begun to think of her as part of my family. But now, since I’ve pretty much been shut out of things, I can’t really have a relationship with her anymore. Makes me very sad. I was really looking forward to someday playing a much greater role in her life. Her birthday is a few weeks away. I’ve been debating whether or not I should send a gift. I think I am going to because, regardless of the choices her mother has made, I still love both of them.
Sometimes, just knowing someone, somewhere, cares about you, even if you dont fully understand the relationship, is all that matters.
I say send it–there is never hurt in letting a child know they are loved.
It bothers me not knowing what she was told about me not coming to see them anymore. It’s important to me that she knows that *I* wasn’t the one who made that decision. But I don’t have any control over that. I guess, like you said, making the effort to send a birthday gift and to stay in touch however possible will let her know that I do indeed care. I really miss not knowing what’s going on in her life anymore.
That’s a very good point–sometimes it is far more difficult to stay involved that I may have inadvertently made it seem. There is likely enough heart break to go around in this kind of situation.
I guess it’s a matter of checking in once in a while to see how they are doing–while our lives may have gone on, there were times I would have done anything just to sit and talk about stuff to my other parent… even to just know that she still thought about me would have made a difference.
Thanks for commenting-its always great to get other folks words floating hereabouts.
Sometimes it’s hard, to leave a relationship, when you leave kids too – youy might try damn hard to stay in their lives + then you slowly, inevitably watch what was your family retreat from you, as they form new lives without you. Eventually you sadly accept that you’d better forge yourself a new life too. Seriously – leaving kids breaks your heart in ways that never, ever mend.